After 19 months, I returned to work.
5 months of sick leave pre-baby.
14 months of maternity leave post-baby.
6 of these months with COVID 19 restrictions.
During these 19 months, I became REALLY comfortable with the idea of being a stay at home mom. I loved the idea of taking care of my girl one-on-one all day, every day. No one could have convinced me otherwise. Although I loved being an educator and being in the classroom brought me so much joy- I dreaded the idea of going back to work and having to leave my baby girl in the care of others.
“What will they do if she gets hurt?”
“What if they can’t get her down for a nap?”
“Will they give her kisses on her forehead while they feed her?”
“What if they give her screen time or worse- SUGAR?!”
These were the questions that kept creating wild narratives in my head that convinced me that there was no way I could step back into the classroom. I tried to figure out ways to generate income while she slept, such as late night tutoring (because students love to be tutored at 10 pm or 5am). Clearly, my ideas were not all coherent, but more so out of desperation so that my poor baby would not have to be without her mommy. However, due to COVID, tutoring was not really even an option. September came and I had to go back to the classroom. I decided to work part-time because there was no way I could leave my baby full-time. The dark, twisty, anxious ridden nausea in my gut grew worse and worse as the countdown to September became shorter and shorter. We decided that having her with family would be the best choice for childcare. Luckily both sets of grandparents stepped in and took on the responsibility (Thanks parents & sisters!). My principal found someone to fill the position of my job share partner (who has been simply amazing and has made the transition so much easier and fun!). I was ready to roll back into being a grade 5/6 classroom teacher.
A week before school started, I went to my school. I set up my classroom with Mrs. C (job share partner). We did some planning. We tried to figure out how to implement COVID policies. We were nervous, and anxious, and scared, and freaking out because we were in the middle of pandemic and the future was extremely ambiguous. However, just being in the classroom and having my own me time away from Sol for a few solid hours felt strangely nice. I missed her, but it was also a breath of fresh air. I hadn’t noticed how suffocated I had felt for months. Not having the freedom to easily leave our home or see people, had created an amazing bond for us- but also meant that we were extremely attached to one another. It feel freeing. I felt guilty for feeling this way- but I couldn’t help it. I felt like me again. I felt like a person again. An independent person who was more than just a mother. In that moment I realized, she would be okay. That she needed to feel free too. She needed an opportunity to also spend quality time with people other than her parents. After spending a few solid hours away from her, I felt a lot more confident in returning to work. Spoiler: She was perfectly fine being away from me for a few hours and has been fine ever since!
The day finally came, I was back at work. It was definitely a different morning routine than I was ever use to. Instead of rolling out of bed and worrying about getting myself ready- I now had to also prepare breakfast and lunch for her- all while praying that I could get it done before she would wake up. It was not a walk in the park. I remember walking into Starbucks one morning after finally managing to get both of us ready and her dropped off to her grandparents house- I was exhausted…and it was only 7:30AM. Although I’ve gotten use to the routine now, I still get anxiety when I think about mornings. I have to admit, I love getting some extra time with her on days she awakes early- but it can also be very stressful trying to prep food and get myself ready with her running around and wanting to be picked up. Since my husband leaves for work fairly early- I have to juggle the morning routine and her all by myself.
Being back in the classroom was nourishing for my soul. Not getting to work took a lot away from me that I didn’t realize I needed until I was back. I needed adult interaction. I needed time to myself. I needed to feel productive. I needed a scheduled break that wasn’t determined on how long my baby did or didn’t sleep, I needed to educate some 10 & 11 year olds, and most of all I needed to listen to the innocent humour of my students that keeps me laughing all day long. All in all, I definitely miss Sol while I’m at work- but I don’t for a minute regret going back. Her bond with her grandparents and aunts is growing which I believe is a beautiful thing. There is also no better hug or smile than the one that is on her face when I go to pick her up.
Are you a parent who is dreading going back to work? Or are you the opposite, where you can’t wait to be back? What was your back to work journey like? Drop a comment!
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