As we approach a year of living in the COVID pandemic, I’m beginning to find myself extremely disconnected from my family and friends…and uncomfortably comfortable with it.
The first few months of being isolated from most of our family and friends caused me severe anxiety. I was locked up in my house…with an eight-month-old…with nowhere to go…all day long. We did not know much about the virus at that point and were taking full precautions to make sure we stayed safe. This meant groceries were purchased online and picked up, we would only see family members outdoors (in cold March) from at LEAST six feet away, and we were so desperate for human interaction that we began to live with FaceTime on.
I mourned my maternity leave. My baby had just reached the age where she was fun. I had plans to start swimming lessons, had just joined a mommy and me playdate group, researched all the storytimes at the local libraries and planned where we would be each day, and contacted other parent friends to set up playdates. As the weeks of the lockdown turned into months, I had to accept that my daughter would miss out on all these activities and socialization. We would miss out on getting to socialize together and play outside of the home.
I mourned my health journey. Working out in my house, without any equipment, was not my plan in terms of postpartum health. When we were in the process of purchasing a new home and very pregnant, I specifically looked for places with a gym in the complex in order to help me stay healthy after my baby. The gym has now been closed for close to a year with no opening in sight.
I mourned my postpartum love life. I imagined having date nights with my partner and keeping our love life fresh and exciting. With a strong foundation of family and friends, I thought finding a babysitter would be a breeze. We have amazing humans in our life who were begging to babysit before my daughter even arrived. Of course- that never happened. For months we had no babysitting options. Eventually, as things got a little better, our babysitter options went from zero to three- but it was still tough (especially with limited date night options).
Now that it’s been a year, and I’ve gone through the mourning process and accepted that this is life for now- I’m beginning to find myself okay with the disconnect. I’m okay with not calling friends or family. I’m okay with knowing I won’t see them. I’m okay with not making an effort. I hate it though. I hate the fact that I’ve become so comfortable with not seeing our nearest and dearest. I feel awful that the thought of having to make an effort with others gives me anxiety. I’ve learned to fill my days and keep myself busy, and I’m not sure how I’m going to fit socializing time back into my life. I’ve become so attached to my daughter that I’m not sure how I feel about leaving her with a baby sitter- or if she’d be okay with another person putting her to bed at night. I don’t know if I will feel safe when out in public. I’m not sure if I will be able to invite people into my home and feel comfortable again. We’ve lived in such fear of germs being spread that I can already imagine myself fixated on the items people touch, how often they’re washing their hands, and if they’re washing them properly. I fear my daughter will not know how to be social with other children and adults.
Although I pray every day for life to go back to normal soon, I also am so scared of not remembering how to socialize. It makes me feel so strange and silly. Can I be the only one who feels this way and fears that I won’t be able to transition back into normalcy? I’m not even sure if my anxieties around COVID have eased or if my body has just become used to my constant state of anxiety and fear.
These are just some of the thoughts that have been flying through my brain recently, and I’m wondering if anyone else feels as ambivalent about the future or if it’s just me?
PS: I do have to say one positive thing has come out of COVID. I have not felt much FOMO. I was feeling it bad prior to COVID due to being pregnant and then postpartum. So…YAY! for everyone being stuck inside and miserable with me….hehehe:)
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