9 months of pregnancy. 19 months of breastfeeding. My body had not been just mine for nearly 2.5 years. I wanted my body back. However, I felt very ambivalent about weaning. My daughter had never been the cuddly type- so nursing was one of the few times I got to cuddle up with her and hold her close. I loved that time and the bond we shared. But as other moms who have breastfed toddlers know- nursing an infant is very different from nursing a toddler. Toddlers have an infatuation with their mothers’ breasts. My daughter displayed this great love with nipple twisters! This was driving me nuts. I was also sick of my breast size changing throughout the day. In addition, my daughter is taller like her father- whereas I am somewhat vertically challenged- so she was outgrowing my lap. I.was.over.it. Yet I felt incredibly guilty at the idea of taking away something she loved so much. We were down to nursing once a day in the morning, but I was still stressed out about the entire situation. I hemmed and hawed about whether to wait until she was two or just rip the band-aid off now (it was going to suck either way). After consulting with other mom’s in my life who had weaned, I decided to just rip the band-aid off. I carefully chose a week where I was going to have a few extra days off of work so that she wouldn't feel abandoned. I held her a little closer and tighter that last morning I nursed and studied her face a little harder. I was incredibly nervous about the next morning and what her reaction would be like. I was prepared for tears and a tantrum.
The next morning, she woke up and I went and picked her up as usual. We had our morning cuddles- as usual. I nervously took off her sleep sack (as the next step would have been to lay her down in my lap and nurse). Instead of nursing, I changed her diaper. Then brushed her teeth and combed her hair. Right after, we came downstairs to play and eat breakfast. My child did not seem to care or notice at all. A T A L L. She did not even ASK or try to touch my breasts. Instead of the joy and excitement, I had expected to feel…I was sad. REALLY sad. I felt incredibly hurt and rejected (seriously though, what is wrong with our brain chemistry?). I thought so hard about this decision, spent weeks debating about it, and mentally preparing - and she did not care at all. I should have been relieved and happy that I had my body back and that she didn’t even put up a fight- but I was so upset. It felt like she was no longer my little baby, and that she was truly growing and becoming independent.
I’m not sure if it was the hormones, the feedback to my brain to stop producing milk, me feeling rejected, or a combination of those three- but I felt depressed for days. It was almost as if I was grieving. I did not expect this at all. I thought I’d feel a little sad and guilty- but not full-on sulking and moping around. What I expected was to feel free and happy- I had been released from my ball and chain. I could sleep in and have my spouse or other family members wake up with her. Why was I so distraught and overwhelmed with agony?
So I did some research. It turns out that this phenomenon is actually pretty common. Post-weaning depression is a phenomenon experienced by many mothers. For someone who follows many mom/pregnancy pages and does a lot of research- I was surprised that I had never heard of it. Clearly, it’s something we don’t talk about.
I remember when my daughter was first born, I used to feel extremely sad as soon as she would latch on and start nursing. This feeling would not go away until the nursing session was done. So for months, I would experience 20-30 bouts of sadness every 2-3 hours. It was very overwhelming and did a number for my mental health. This was another thing I had never heard of and it made me feel very lonely and isolated. After some research- I also found it was also normal and many mothers experienced it. It didn’t make it easier, and it made me anxious to nurse- but at least I knew it was normal and I wasn’t alone. I think knowing that you are not alone makes a world of a difference. Being a mother can be a very lonely job that is full of difficult hidden emotions.
Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about what makes us sad. What was difficult and how our expectations were warped. Who else experienced post-weaning depression or felt sad during nursing sessions? Share your experiences below or message me!
Comments